Life has a way of happening too fast. My babies are growing up, and I am wondering how I will feel when I finally come to a full realization that I will probably not have another. I am coming to another period of my life where I am learning more about myself than anyone else, and I find myself hoping that my husband is okay with this. My husband on the other hand is dealing with probably the worst time ever in his working life. The printing company he works for is in it's death throes and we don't know where or when he will work again. And if it will be enough to support our family. I worry about not making enough money, I worry about having to leave my children to work, knowing that we cannot afford anyone else to watch over them, and knowing that I will hate every moment of having someone else responsible for the raising of my children. So I half heartedly look for an online program for a teaching credential, and contemplate re-entering the work force after more than a decade - and the most demanding job I had was selling vacuums and sewing machines at Sears. I shudder at my work history. I try to find some reason that someone would want to hire me. I try to find a reason that I want them to hire me. Pretty much, the only reason I can come up with is that it might relieve some stress from Javier. Se la vie.
On the upside, I am knitting more. I have actually begun contract knitting. I have some cards that Javier made up for me (they are truly wonderful, and I am grateful for Javier's support in this) and I have gotten several orders. Now I need to come up with a price list that I can hand out, and a website so people can view what I have knit, along with the price list, and tell me what they would like. It seems that running a business in this day and age without a website is a no-no. I am enjoying the knitting, and the challenge of coming up with my own patterns, and contacting designers for permission to knit their designs. I am hoping this will be enough, simply because I enjoy it. But the reality is that I will likely have to give it up for a 9-5. This does not make me happy, but no one ever promised that life would be roses and cream forever. I've been lucky so far.
There are so many things that I wish I had done. So many things that I want to do. And as I look into the not so far away future, I realize that middle age is creeping up on me and I have much to do still. I realize that Javier has given up hope for many things, and I wish that I could give that hope back to him. And I struggle with the truth that it is not for me to do for him, and that it might not be possible.
I am watching a friend go through the nightmare of a husband/lover who has come to love someone else, and is making her life a living hell as they fight over who gets the children, and she contemplates giving birth to their third alone. And I cry for her, and for myself as I think that this, short of losing one of my children, might be the worst nightmare I could ever endure.
Sometimes I feel as if the world has gone crazy, and on other days like today I stand outside in the sunshine and listen to the birds, find the sparkling jewels of dew gleaming on a spiders web, and know that I live in an extraordinary world. Breath taking in its complexity and beauty, and also its cruelty. Each day is a gift, each day a new beginning, and in these days of uncertainty, I am finding that I must cherish that more than ever.
So today, instead of worrying about what will come, I will count the blessings I have and try not to be just grateful, but joyful in this life that I am lucky enough to be living.