Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everyone. I hope your holiday is filled with joy and love, and may your holiday knitting abound.

You spin me right round, baby right round...

like a record baby, right round, round, round...

Well, despite my best intentions, we are now about to head into the whirlwind that it PPO healthcare when dealing with hospitalizations. Brandon went into ER last night with oxygen levels of only 81% (that's really bad for those of you who don't know - at that level he's really close to going unconscious...). After spending a few hours at ER he still couldn't hold oxygen levels above 89% on his own, so he is now admitted and being set up in the children's ward. Javier is there now, and I will relieve him after lunch. Anyone got any good crock pot recipes?

Brandon is sick - possibly the flu - so this does not help his asthma at all, and I have no idea how long he will be in the hospital. The knowledge that the bill on the back end could be as much as $10,000 is not helping either. I have heard how wonderful PPO's are, but I have to admit, if given the choice (which I am not) I would take my HMO with all it's red tape in a heart beat right now.

The hospitalization is further complicated by the fact that the hospital is not allowing children visitors under 15. That means that Javier and I need babysitters twice a day when we switch off who is going to be with the kids. Brandon is only 9 - he would not be happy being left alone for so long a couple of times a day. Can everyone out there give a great big Huzzah! for my mother and father who are graciously filling that spot for us. I really and truly do not know what we would do without them right now. Thanks Mom and Dad. For everything.

Good news on the knitting front though... I should have several hours of knitting time a day until Brandon is out of the hospital... maybe I'll be able to catch up on some of the projects I'm doing.

Take care everyone, and be well!

memoirs from the mothering world...

Lately I have been concerned with why. Why? Why is it important, for instance, not to lie. Really important. Important to the human soul. Why? We all know, "do not lie", and yet we have "little white lies" and admire those who would lie to protect others. Those are still lies. And we tell our children, never lie. Why?

My son told a little lie a few days ago. I asked him if he had brushed his teeth and he told me that he had. Mother's intuition pricked up my ears. "Well then," I said, "you won't mind if I go and check your toothbrush." Of course, he hadn't brushed his teeth. This is not the first lie my son has told. This is not the worst lie my son has told. He was punished... losing 2 days of video games this weekend (the only time he is allowed to play). But I was left wondering, why? Why was not brushing his teeth worth lying to him? Why? The more I thought about it, I realized, we never explain why we don't lie. Perhaps we talk of trust, others will talk of a god, but one only feels the effect of that lie if they are caught. Lying was making his life easier. If he told me he had brushed his teeth, then he didn't have to do it. If he didn't admit that he had knocked over the proverbial vase then he didn't need to suffer the consequences. It was easier.

And that was his why.
I know this is wrong. But why? I thought about those little white lies. I thought about those who hide important truths in lies to preserve the greater good... such as those German families that risked their own lives to save Jewish families from the horrific injustice of the Nazi regime. Such as the Quakers and others that risked themselves and their families along the Underground Railroad to help lead men and women to a life of freedom, not because it was easy, but because it was right. Surely, at those moments, it was not only right, but good to lie in the face of evil?

Then I thought of what my son would become if I allowed him to believe that lying for no reason was acceptable. I could imagine his heart growing dark, his soul troubled and lonely, the selfish gleam to his eye... and my heart broke. Trust is important, but it is not for the regard of others that we should not lie. It is to preserve our human soul - that part of us that loves selflessly, that gives without discrimination, the part that cares for not just our fellow human beings, but the world around us. It is not lying that is bad, it is why we lie that determines whether the action was good or bad. To believe that lying has no consequences, whatever the reason, is foolish. But lying for selfish reasons leads to a selfish person. A sad and angry person who does not understand why the world is against them. A person who never sees that it is because he has been against himself. And I do not want this for my son.

So, now I know my why, at least in this instance. And strangely, that makes it easier to do not only what I should, but what I must for my son. I have never really understood how some people can think that anyone wouldn't need to know why. It seems to me that is the most important thing they could ever know.

The power of four...

Obviously I just need to have a few more babies and we can be laughing all the time!

Let's do the Limbo!

My whole family is in limbo this week. I can't really say what will be happening at any point, where my husband will work, will he have a job, will I have to try to find one? CAN I find one? Will it be enough to make a difference after child care cost? What will it take to make it worthwhile to leave my children with someone else on a regular basis? How will I like living with my mother in law? How hard will I cry when I have to leave the house we are in? How will my husband cope if we can't pay rent? When will I feel like knitting again?

The current answer to all of these questions is I don't know. Sigh. I wish I knew.

I am finding myself immobilized, staring at a screen, or just holding my knitting (which is supposed to be finished soon and making me money...) or hiding in the bathroom reading a book when I don't really need to be sitting there. I have to face up to the fact that I am hiding, and I don't really know from what - the unknown? This is a time when I need to be focused, and I feel lost. I need to pull my head out of my proverbial a** and get moving. My house was clean for a couple of days, and now looks like crap again. If I actually allow myself to see my house I want to cry, and knowing that my husband wants to go back to work instead of look at it is worse.

I need a kick in the ass. But I don't want it to hurt, okay? Maybe I should just get up and go do the dishes.

Calming down...

So I had a bit of a rough patch this afternoon, but after reading a few of my favorite blogs, like that one and this one, and laughing a few of those really good belly laughs, I feel a lot better.

I guess it's true... laughter is the best medicine.. followed by large doses of knitting.

Can't talk right now...

I'm too busy laughing...

A knitting we shall go!

Ahhh... My needles, they over flow...

My camera, it doth not. I need to get a replacement card reader, but instead, imagine two lovely baby sweaters in a smooth as a baby's but organic color grown cotton growing from my needles... Calmness, restored.


P.S. Happy Birthday Jen!

Happy May Birthdays!!

So, looking over my blog this morning I realized that I needed to send out a great big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my family.

So...

To my big brother Scott - HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAN! I am so glad that you have found a good place to be, and have found some happiness in what I know was a long, long, long, few years. I'll call soon - LOVE YOU!

To my little brother and sister - HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Somehow, it is wrong that you two are already 32. I can't be that old yet, so you two DEFINITELY can't. Stop. Right now. Oh, and have fun you two! Love you, and Happy Cinco De Mayo!

To my son, who I already sent a happy Birthday to, but since this is an official post, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRANDON! You are an amazing boy, and I am so proud to be your mother. I love you!

And to my father, who has yet to reach middle age at 68 (next week). HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And many, many more to come. I hope that you and mom can enjoy some peace and quiet for a while.

And to my best friend (a little early)... I love you lady. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I have got to get myself to the east coast sometime before we both go gray... or am I too late already?

Love to everyone on your special days, and know that I'm thinking of you, even if I suck at phone calls.

Ahhh....

The bittersweet joy of victory. My house (most of it) is clean. Half way through a new audiobook I have clean dishes, (mostly) clean floors, laundry that is washed, folded and put away (or in the the process of being washed, folded and put away) and I am keeping the tide of toys at bay for the moment. The joy at having a clean house for my family to come celebrate Brandon's 9th birthday with us was palpable. The bittersweet is that so much of it is never ending. And yet, I have the beginnings of a fantasy about a clean and organized bedroom, and toys that are neatly organized, in bins... well. We'll see how it all works out.

For now, I'm just looking forward to seeing my husband relax in a clean house, and not have to worry about whether he will have clean underwear tomorrow. I once read somewhere that nothing says I love you like clean underwear....

A home by any other name....

My house has always been, shall we say, lived in. I have never been a domestic diva of the type that could pull off the kind of house that Vanity Fair would want to photograph. To be perfectly honest, I have the kind of house that you need to watch where you step, and ask if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean as you scour the house in search of a spoon with which to eat breakfast. This had never bothered me in my footloose and fancy free days as a young single woman. Probably because I had no one but myself to please. Over the years I have enjoyed both clean and dirty floors. I have known the pleasure of a clean house, and I have known the shame of a dirty one. I have been motivated to clean many times. But some how it just never sticks. I have never figured out why I can't seem to do this really simple task. It is not as if I don't know how. It's not rocket science. It's not complex equations. It is simple repetitive tasks that any human being with half a brain should be able to do. And I can do it.

That is when I had my most recent epiphany. It is not that I can't do it. I even start often. I procrastinate more. It is that the tasks are so mind bogglingly boring that they make me want to lie down in a half swept pile of dirt and cry. I would be able to do it if it was complex equations because that would at least hold my interest for more than 30 seconds. And yet day after day, I stare down the uncomprehendingly dull task of washing dishes, folding clothes, and sweeping floors. I think I would rather gag on a filth encrusted spoon. Well, not really. But I would rather wash the spoon, and then gag on it. One spoon only takes about 5 seconds. That is within my 30 second time span before I start looking for something to maim.

Sigh. So, how do you combat extreme boredom in the name of marital bliss, and a home that won't offend child services delicate sensibilites? How? Please... someone throw me a bone. I'm dying here, and I have to get the house clean by Sunday - with numerous things to do in between. I'll give you my undying gratitude! My 7th child!

I think I may be lost...

An over due phone call...

You know how when you used to be close with someone but you haven't talked to them in a long while, and suddenly you get a call out of the blue, you don't know what to say? How do you catch them up on the daily hum drum of life without sounding like a broken record? It has been so long since I blogged that I kind of feel like that. I feel like I should catch you up, but there is so little of consequence... and yet there are a few really big things.

My husband has a job, but we don't know for how long, and they haven't been paying him for all the hours he's been working. And he has been working a lot. Most days he leaves before I get up in the morning to get the kids ready for school, and he gets back just as I finish getting them ready for bed. The kids have been staying up late just to see him. The other day, I told Liam he ask Daddy when he got home and Liam said "Daddy's coming HOME tonight!" I felt so badly - both for him and for Javier. It was one of the things we both liked best about him working nights. He always got to see the kids. And if there was ever a problem he was home. But ultimately I am more than grateful for the fact that he has a job, no matter how crappy the hours or the work conditions, and I am trying hard to make home a place that he wants to be when he actually has the time to be there. It is also making me very reluctant to leave the house when he is home. I miss my husband. A lot.

I am doing contract knitting. I have set up an email, and have cards and what not, but now I need to build a web page. Any offers for help? Apparently people need to see what I knit, and they want to see it online. Not that I blame them, but for some reason I am having difficulty getting everything together for this. It would be a really good thing to have some real income from this. I did just finish a couple of baby blankets, which were really wonderful, and brought in enough to get my daughter a booster seat. She is almost four, and was more than ready to get out of her "baby" car seat. I have pictures of the blankets, but I can't seem to find the card reader for my camera. Sigh. Must add that to my to do list.

Brandon, my bouncing baby boy is turning 9 at the end of this week. I can hardly believe that he has grown so big so fast. I miss his bubbly baby giggle, and the bouncing little dance he used to do when he was 2. But he still has the biggest, most soulful brown eyes. I'm having trouble with the idea that he is going to have his last single digit birthday in 5 days. I think I'm more aware of the turning of the years because I don't have an infant at my breast this year. It seems strange somehow, but I'm not planning another. That makes me a little sad too...

And finally, hearing of couples that have split, or worse a beloved spouse passing, I find that I am more than grateful for my family. I look at my husband and am grateful for his love and his constant support in a whole new way. I know that I can weather an storm with him by my side. No matter what happens with his work, no matter where we end up in this world, if we can do it together, we will be alright.

Where do I begin?

Life has a way of happening too fast. My babies are growing up, and I am wondering how I will feel when I finally come to a full realization that I will probably not have another. I am coming to another period of my life where I am learning more about myself than anyone else, and I find myself hoping that my husband is okay with this. My husband on the other hand is dealing with probably the worst time ever in his working life. The printing company he works for is in it's death throes and we don't know where or when he will work again. And if it will be enough to support our family. I worry about not making enough money, I worry about having to leave my children to work, knowing that we cannot afford anyone else to watch over them, and knowing that I will hate every moment of having someone else responsible for the raising of my children. So I half heartedly look for an online program for a teaching credential, and contemplate re-entering the work force after more than a decade - and the most demanding job I had was selling vacuums and sewing machines at Sears. I shudder at my work history. I try to find some reason that someone would want to hire me. I try to find a reason that I want them to hire me. Pretty much, the only reason I can come up with is that it might relieve some stress from Javier. Se la vie.

On the upside, I am knitting more. I have actually begun contract knitting. I have some cards that Javier made up for me (they are truly wonderful, and I am grateful for Javier's support in this) and I have gotten several orders. Now I need to come up with a price list that I can hand out, and a website so people can view what I have knit, along with the price list, and tell me what they would like. It seems that running a business in this day and age without a website is a no-no. I am enjoying the knitting, and the challenge of coming up with my own patterns, and contacting designers for permission to knit their designs. I am hoping this will be enough, simply because I enjoy it. But the reality is that I will likely have to give it up for a 9-5. This does not make me happy, but no one ever promised that life would be roses and cream forever. I've been lucky so far.

There are so many things that I wish I had done. So many things that I want to do. And as I look into the not so far away future, I realize that middle age is creeping up on me and I have much to do still. I realize that Javier has given up hope for many things, and I wish that I could give that hope back to him. And I struggle with the truth that it is not for me to do for him, and that it might not be possible.

I am watching a friend go through the nightmare of a husband/lover who has come to love someone else, and is making her life a living hell as they fight over who gets the children, and she contemplates giving birth to their third alone. And I cry for her, and for myself as I think that this, short of losing one of my children, might be the worst nightmare I could ever endure.

Sometimes I feel as if the world has gone crazy, and on other days like today I stand outside in the sunshine and listen to the birds, find the sparkling jewels of dew gleaming on a spiders web, and know that I live in an extraordinary world. Breath taking in its complexity and beauty, and also its cruelty. Each day is a gift, each day a new beginning, and in these days of uncertainty, I am finding that I must cherish that more than ever.

So today, instead of worrying about what will come, I will count the blessings I have and try not to be just grateful, but joyful in this life that I am lucky enough to be living.

Happy New Year!

So, another year has come and gone, and I am left wondering how time has passed so quickly. I still remember so very clearly when the change of the millennium was still far on the horizon, and my young life was just beginning. Sometimes I find myself looking back, wishing I had done one thing or another, but on the whole I find that I love my life. I have a wonderful husband and three gorgeous children, and I would not want to consider my life without them. We have all the necessities - food to eat, a home and beds to sleep in, clothes to ward off cold and sun, and are blessed with numerable luxuries like our pets, computers, toys, and for me specifically, YARN!

So as I consider the years gone, and the year to come, I am hopeful and most especially grateful for what I have. I know that 2009 will have it's hardships, and that we will meet them as a family. I believe that it will indeed be a happy new year.

And with that I offer you all a heartfelt and considered Happy New Year!