My whole family is in limbo this week. I can't really say what will be happening at any point, where my husband will work, will he have a job, will I have to try to find one? CAN I find one? Will it be enough to make a difference after child care cost? What will it take to make it worthwhile to leave my children with someone else on a regular basis? How will I like living with my mother in law? How hard will I cry when I have to leave the house we are in? How will my husband cope if we can't pay rent? When will I feel like knitting again?
The current answer to all of these questions is I don't know. Sigh. I wish I knew.
I am finding myself immobilized, staring at a screen, or just holding my knitting (which is supposed to be finished soon and making me money...) or hiding in the bathroom reading a book when I don't really need to be sitting there. I have to face up to the fact that I am hiding, and I don't really know from what - the unknown? This is a time when I need to be focused, and I feel lost. I need to pull my head out of my proverbial a** and get moving. My house was clean for a couple of days, and now looks like crap again. If I actually allow myself to see my house I want to cry, and knowing that my husband wants to go back to work instead of look at it is worse.
I need a kick in the ass. But I don't want it to hurt, okay? Maybe I should just get up and go do the dishes.