A home by any other name....

My house has always been, shall we say, lived in. I have never been a domestic diva of the type that could pull off the kind of house that Vanity Fair would want to photograph. To be perfectly honest, I have the kind of house that you need to watch where you step, and ask if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean as you scour the house in search of a spoon with which to eat breakfast. This had never bothered me in my footloose and fancy free days as a young single woman. Probably because I had no one but myself to please. Over the years I have enjoyed both clean and dirty floors. I have known the pleasure of a clean house, and I have known the shame of a dirty one. I have been motivated to clean many times. But some how it just never sticks. I have never figured out why I can't seem to do this really simple task. It is not as if I don't know how. It's not rocket science. It's not complex equations. It is simple repetitive tasks that any human being with half a brain should be able to do. And I can do it.

That is when I had my most recent epiphany. It is not that I can't do it. I even start often. I procrastinate more. It is that the tasks are so mind bogglingly boring that they make me want to lie down in a half swept pile of dirt and cry. I would be able to do it if it was complex equations because that would at least hold my interest for more than 30 seconds. And yet day after day, I stare down the uncomprehendingly dull task of washing dishes, folding clothes, and sweeping floors. I think I would rather gag on a filth encrusted spoon. Well, not really. But I would rather wash the spoon, and then gag on it. One spoon only takes about 5 seconds. That is within my 30 second time span before I start looking for something to maim.

Sigh. So, how do you combat extreme boredom in the name of marital bliss, and a home that won't offend child services delicate sensibilites? How? Please... someone throw me a bone. I'm dying here, and I have to get the house clean by Sunday - with numerous things to do in between. I'll give you my undying gratitude! My 7th child!

I think I may be lost...

An over due phone call...

You know how when you used to be close with someone but you haven't talked to them in a long while, and suddenly you get a call out of the blue, you don't know what to say? How do you catch them up on the daily hum drum of life without sounding like a broken record? It has been so long since I blogged that I kind of feel like that. I feel like I should catch you up, but there is so little of consequence... and yet there are a few really big things.

My husband has a job, but we don't know for how long, and they haven't been paying him for all the hours he's been working. And he has been working a lot. Most days he leaves before I get up in the morning to get the kids ready for school, and he gets back just as I finish getting them ready for bed. The kids have been staying up late just to see him. The other day, I told Liam he ask Daddy when he got home and Liam said "Daddy's coming HOME tonight!" I felt so badly - both for him and for Javier. It was one of the things we both liked best about him working nights. He always got to see the kids. And if there was ever a problem he was home. But ultimately I am more than grateful for the fact that he has a job, no matter how crappy the hours or the work conditions, and I am trying hard to make home a place that he wants to be when he actually has the time to be there. It is also making me very reluctant to leave the house when he is home. I miss my husband. A lot.

I am doing contract knitting. I have set up an email, and have cards and what not, but now I need to build a web page. Any offers for help? Apparently people need to see what I knit, and they want to see it online. Not that I blame them, but for some reason I am having difficulty getting everything together for this. It would be a really good thing to have some real income from this. I did just finish a couple of baby blankets, which were really wonderful, and brought in enough to get my daughter a booster seat. She is almost four, and was more than ready to get out of her "baby" car seat. I have pictures of the blankets, but I can't seem to find the card reader for my camera. Sigh. Must add that to my to do list.

Brandon, my bouncing baby boy is turning 9 at the end of this week. I can hardly believe that he has grown so big so fast. I miss his bubbly baby giggle, and the bouncing little dance he used to do when he was 2. But he still has the biggest, most soulful brown eyes. I'm having trouble with the idea that he is going to have his last single digit birthday in 5 days. I think I'm more aware of the turning of the years because I don't have an infant at my breast this year. It seems strange somehow, but I'm not planning another. That makes me a little sad too...

And finally, hearing of couples that have split, or worse a beloved spouse passing, I find that I am more than grateful for my family. I look at my husband and am grateful for his love and his constant support in a whole new way. I know that I can weather an storm with him by my side. No matter what happens with his work, no matter where we end up in this world, if we can do it together, we will be alright.

Where do I begin?

Life has a way of happening too fast. My babies are growing up, and I am wondering how I will feel when I finally come to a full realization that I will probably not have another. I am coming to another period of my life where I am learning more about myself than anyone else, and I find myself hoping that my husband is okay with this. My husband on the other hand is dealing with probably the worst time ever in his working life. The printing company he works for is in it's death throes and we don't know where or when he will work again. And if it will be enough to support our family. I worry about not making enough money, I worry about having to leave my children to work, knowing that we cannot afford anyone else to watch over them, and knowing that I will hate every moment of having someone else responsible for the raising of my children. So I half heartedly look for an online program for a teaching credential, and contemplate re-entering the work force after more than a decade - and the most demanding job I had was selling vacuums and sewing machines at Sears. I shudder at my work history. I try to find some reason that someone would want to hire me. I try to find a reason that I want them to hire me. Pretty much, the only reason I can come up with is that it might relieve some stress from Javier. Se la vie.

On the upside, I am knitting more. I have actually begun contract knitting. I have some cards that Javier made up for me (they are truly wonderful, and I am grateful for Javier's support in this) and I have gotten several orders. Now I need to come up with a price list that I can hand out, and a website so people can view what I have knit, along with the price list, and tell me what they would like. It seems that running a business in this day and age without a website is a no-no. I am enjoying the knitting, and the challenge of coming up with my own patterns, and contacting designers for permission to knit their designs. I am hoping this will be enough, simply because I enjoy it. But the reality is that I will likely have to give it up for a 9-5. This does not make me happy, but no one ever promised that life would be roses and cream forever. I've been lucky so far.

There are so many things that I wish I had done. So many things that I want to do. And as I look into the not so far away future, I realize that middle age is creeping up on me and I have much to do still. I realize that Javier has given up hope for many things, and I wish that I could give that hope back to him. And I struggle with the truth that it is not for me to do for him, and that it might not be possible.

I am watching a friend go through the nightmare of a husband/lover who has come to love someone else, and is making her life a living hell as they fight over who gets the children, and she contemplates giving birth to their third alone. And I cry for her, and for myself as I think that this, short of losing one of my children, might be the worst nightmare I could ever endure.

Sometimes I feel as if the world has gone crazy, and on other days like today I stand outside in the sunshine and listen to the birds, find the sparkling jewels of dew gleaming on a spiders web, and know that I live in an extraordinary world. Breath taking in its complexity and beauty, and also its cruelty. Each day is a gift, each day a new beginning, and in these days of uncertainty, I am finding that I must cherish that more than ever.

So today, instead of worrying about what will come, I will count the blessings I have and try not to be just grateful, but joyful in this life that I am lucky enough to be living.

Happy New Year!

So, another year has come and gone, and I am left wondering how time has passed so quickly. I still remember so very clearly when the change of the millennium was still far on the horizon, and my young life was just beginning. Sometimes I find myself looking back, wishing I had done one thing or another, but on the whole I find that I love my life. I have a wonderful husband and three gorgeous children, and I would not want to consider my life without them. We have all the necessities - food to eat, a home and beds to sleep in, clothes to ward off cold and sun, and are blessed with numerable luxuries like our pets, computers, toys, and for me specifically, YARN!

So as I consider the years gone, and the year to come, I am hopeful and most especially grateful for what I have. I know that 2009 will have it's hardships, and that we will meet them as a family. I believe that it will indeed be a happy new year.

And with that I offer you all a heartfelt and considered Happy New Year!

Here be Dragons!

Due to my deep and abiding love of Dragons and of critical thought, I give you

HERE BE DRAGONS!



This is long but worth it. Brian Dunning (the host/narrator) does a weekly skeptics podcast skeptoid and is involved in the collaborative effort that is the skepticblog.

And now I am off to find some dragons.

Merry Christmas! uh, and some socks!

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope your holidays were wonderful. Me, after a long day filled with overindulgence and too many presents to count I sat down to check email and found myself laughing.

Sing along if you love handknit socks!

A Princess...

Your result for The Princess Bride trivia Test...

Buttercup

Inconceivable! You scored ###!

A respectable score. This movie is probably nestled in your dvd collection, and its not gathering dust either. You are a big fan, if not yet utterly devoted. A few of the questions may have stumped you, but instead of being annoyed, this just makes you want to watch it again to find out the answers. Well done!

Take The Princess Bride trivia Test at HelloQuizzy